They Never Warn You About the Jam Hands
by Calendulam
Summary: It's Blaine's thirtieth birthday and Cooper figures he and Kurt deserve to celebrate it properly. Sans The Child.


**A short little birthday ficlet for my friend Allie. It's the only thing I've been able to finish in weeks. Hopefully it broke the seal and I can get to my other WIPs now. **

**I don't own Glee**.

~0~

"Uncle Cooper, you're a stupid head!"

This was the point in the evening when Cooper Anderson began cursing his giving nature. An hour previous he had cursed his meticulous planning for scheduling himself in as caregiver while his brother frolicked all over town with his husband, and fifteen minutes prior to that, his silver tongued charm for having been able to talk them into it in the first place. The only thing left was his devilish handsomeness and his devious wit, and all of his best traits would be cursed. Well, he would still have his talent, he supposed. No amount of cursing was going to dislodge something that concrete.

And yet, Blaine deserved to have a birthday on the town. It's not like they could drag the child with them and still have a good time. Then they would have to forgo drinks. And romance. And most importantly of all, sex. No one can have a thirtieth birthday without a romp in silk sheets. Which of course Cooper had purchased and had the agency put on their bed. He _was_ a meticulous planner after all.

"Stupid head, huh? I will have you know that my head is very _not_ stupid. And also handsome. So stick that in your pipe and smoke it, Squirt!"

"What's a pipe?"

"Oh... nothing. Just..."

"What's a squirt?"

"A very small person. Like you!" God, children asked so many damn nonsensical questions. "You know, Katie," Cooper said quickly, before she could rattle off another five of twelve, "your dads needed a night on the town, and so here we are. And you've got to be a good girl for your Uncle Coop or else..."

"Or else what?"

"Or else I'm going to... tell them. Yes, I will tell them that you misbehaved." He grinned to hide his irritation and bent over to pick up the doll that his niece had thrown to the ground in her anger. "And here I thought I was gonna be the cool uncle when I first held you in my arms and you looked like a wrinkly alien," he muttered under his breath, smoothing the doll's yellow dress.

"Huh?"

"Oh, nothing," he answered and forced a chuckle. "You know, I have an idea! Since you don't like sitting quietly while Uncle Cooper meditates, why don't we play karaoke!" He nodded his own head and reached around the back of the doll's neck to nod hers as well. "Everyone loves karaoke, right?" His words trailed off as Katie's bottom lip stuck out and her chin began to quiver rather worryingly.

"Daddy sings the princess songs when we play kerry-dokie. I want Daddy." And that's when the tears began, large and round and leaking out of her big, blue eyes at an alarming rate.

"I know! I know!" Cooper said, trying to sound reassuring as he scooped her up in his arms and snuggled her to his chest, praying all the while that she wasn't about to get snot all over his very expensive new shirt. "You told me twenty-five times already," he mumbled under his breath. "I'm not even sure which one of them you're talking about," he sing-songed, rocking her back and forth as he plopped down on the sofa. She rested her little hand on his neck and, yeck, how the hell did it get all sticky again? He only washed her hands like an hour before and she hadn't even had anything to eat since then.

"Bwaaaiiine," she said, dragging out the word, her eyes still streaming and her breath hitching. "Daddy is Bwaine."

"Well, Blaine, er, Daddy, is my little brother you know. And I can sing princess songs so way better than he can. Especially Culture Club."

The quaking of Katie's tiny body magically stopped, and she ran the back of her hand over her eyes. "You can?"

"Uh, of course. I'm Cooper Anderson."

"Uncle Cooper, will you sing me some princess songs? I promise ta be good."

Cooper watched as she sniffed and hiccoughed, and pretended to ponder her request. "Hmm, I suppose I could. _If_ you promise." She nodded enthusiastically and Cooper set her down in the armchair before starting up the karaoke machine. "Now you can see how it's done," he told her. He booped her nose and she giggled, showing all of her tiny chicklet teeth. And she was pretty cute, Cooper supposed, when she wasn't whining and snotting and chucking her shit on his bamboo floors.

He found his niece to be a rapt and appreciative audience. He strutted his stuff through _A Whole New World_ and brought about a tear (one of his own, but a tear nonetheless) when he belted out _Someday My Prince Will Come_, which was a particular request of Katie's, as it was Blaine's favourite (for obvious reasons). They made perfect duet partners for _Supercalifragilisticexpialid ocious_, even though Katie suffered from the same balance issues that plagued Blaine at the age of four (which was weird since Cooper was pretty sure she was made out of Kurt's sperm, what with the eyes and the pinched expression when faced with a dish of ice cream instead of real Italian gelato, not to mention that her first full sentence was "I hate gingham").

He brought down the house with a riveting performance of _Once Upon A Dream_, only to find that during his mastery of the classic love song, his audience had taken the song's advice and drifted off to visit her own prince (or princess, Cooper wasn't one of those people who just assumed, after all). He finished the song on a very quiet note as he carried his niece into the spare room and tucked her into bed.

When Cooper ushered Kurt and Blaine into his apartment the following morning, they both gave him the strangest look.

"You've got feathers –" Kurt began, only to be interrupted by Blaine, who couldn't tell Cooper thank you enough times. Cooper threw him a wink and told him it was no trouble, even though it had been _some_ trouble. But people do these things for family. Or at least they're supposed to.

"We're making crafts," Cooper informed them, poking his pointer finger into his mouth and pulling it out speckled with multicoloured glitter and staring at it in confusion. He had no idea how it had managed to work itself in there. He shrugged and wiped it off on a paper towel he had set out for Katie to clean her hands on. How those things got so sticky he would never know.

"I can see that," Blaine said, leaning down to kiss his daughter on the top of the head. "You having fun, Sweet Pea?" he asked a moment later, when Katie still hadn't acknowledged him.

"Yep," she said distractedly, and stuck some shiny blue beads on the eyes of a drawing that she was making of Cooper himself. She said he should hang it on his fridge. He figured he could take it out and stick it there before she came over to visit or something. She'd probably forget about it anyway.

"That looks frighteningly like Cooper's 'solemn' headshot," Blaine mumbled. Kurt shook his head at him and coughed into his hand. "We're having brunch with Aunt Rachel this morning," he continued, looking away from Kurt and back at their daughter. "Are you ready to go, Katie?"

"Nope."

"Katherine," Kurt said, "listen to Daddy. We have to go. Tell Uncle Cooper thank you and get Miss Lucy so we can –"

"No! I wanna stay with Uncle Cooper!"

"Sweet Pea, we have to meet –"

"I don't care, Daddy!"

"Katherine Elizabeth, do not talk to your father that way!" Kurt scolded. Blaine caught Cooper's eye. He tried to hide his amused expression, he truly did, but he was pretty sure Blaine picked up on it anyway. He lifted his daughter from the chair.

"No, Daddy, I don't wanna have brunch. I wanna stay here with Uncle Coop. An he sings princess songs better 'an you!"

Silence descended upon the room. Blaine was looking at Kurt, who stared back with his mouth hanging open in shock. And then he turned his gaze on Cooper, who didn't even attempt to hold in his wide grin. "Finally an impartial judge," he said. This was a long fought battle, after all. Blaine rolled his eyes and looped his arm under Katie's knees.

"I know, you an Dad can have brunch with Aunt Rachel and then go home to make more sex." She threw up her hands as if she had solved everyone's dilemma.

Kurt and Blaine both turned to stare at Cooper. He figured he must have let something like that slip the night before while he was muttering. Probably before Katie decided to play nice. Cooper forced a laugh. "Yeah, I might have... a little bit...Oops."

Withering under the heat of Blaine and Kurt's duel glares, he sidled over and pecked his niece on the cheek. "Tell you what, Squirt, I'll call and sing you a princess song before you go to sleep tonight. Okay?"

She narrowed her eyes, considering. "The one about the once upon a dream?"

"Of course."

"Deal," she said, shaking Cooper's hand with surprising ferocity. "I kinda want some quiche anyway."

"Can't blame you there!"

Blaine and Kurt thanked Cooper again for their evening alone, and Miss Lucy the doll in their clutches, turned to go.

"I love you, Uncle Coop!" Katie called. Cooper stopped in his tracks. Huh. He kinda loved the kid, too. Even though she sometimes had inexplicably sticky hands and his vocal chords needed a couple of days of recuperation after all of those Disney songs. Her big eyes were all sparkly and watching him and it was the first time, he realized, that he had experienced that sort of unconditional love since Blaine was tiny. Well, tini_er_.

"Love you too, Squirt," he said, and she smiled.

Maybe he would put her picture up on the fridge. It was a surprisingly good representation of his features, really, and it _was_ a little bit Art Deco. He took it from the table and rooted through a drawer for some magnets.


End file.
